Have you ever sworn off a certain type of person, only to find yourself in a relationship with someone uncannily similar? Have you dated a narcissist, someone emotionally unavailable, a stalker, or a cheater?
At EliteSingles, members match with compatible singles, most of whom are well-educated professionals. But red flag partners appear in every walk of life, and a great education and a good career are no guarantee that a person doesn’t have some significant character flaws. This article will help you identify red flags in potential partners so you can move on before you’re too involved.
Introduction to Emotional Relationship Red Flags
A red flag is a personality trait or behavior that can tip you off to character flaws that can adversely affect your relationship. Many people ignore red flags at the moment but can identify them retrospectively. When a relationship ends, the words, “I should have known back when … ” are uttered way too frequently. By learning to identify red flags, you can avoid needing to say them.
Common Emotional Red Flags in a Relationship
You may have your own set of red flags, but according to our dating experts, these are some of the most common. It’s in your best interest to learn them before you get involved too deeply with your next partner.
Constant Criticism
Is your new partner critical of everything? Most people will not put up with this behavior at the beginning of relationships, and the constant critic is aware of this. They will generally not begin by criticizing a new partner. Rather, they will establish a pattern of criticism — particularly being critical of other people. Maybe they’ll be mildly rude to a server about the food or service in a restaurant. Or they’ll make an impolite observation to you about a stranger. “She knows she’s overweight. Why would she think she could get away with wearing that dress?” In time, however, they’ll set their sights on you.
If you’ve gotten to this stage, don’t expect the criticism to start with rude, offensive attacks. Your partner may make an offensive joke or act as though they’re giving you sage advice. For example, “I’m not sure if you should be wearing that shirt until you hit the gym. It shows off your beer gut.” The criticism may slowly evolve to become more frequent and harsher. Before you know it, you’re in a highly critical relationship. Avoid this red flag by telling your partner that you’re not okay with criticism, even if it’s meant in jest. If they don’t modify their behavior, it might be time to put yourself back on the dating market.
Lack of Empathy
This is one of the signs of sociopathy, but plenty of people who aren’t sociopaths lack empathy. Identifying a lack of empathy can be difficult because you may not have the ability to observe your partner in a situation where empathy is appropriate. Here are a few empathy tests that you can use to rate your partner:
- Tell them a mildly sad story about you or someone you know.
- Watch how they respond to a homeless person or panhandler asking for money.
- Observe their behavior around animals or children who are misbehaving.
- See if they exercise patience with service industry people who are clearly having a rough day.
If you consider yourself a very empathetic person, you may have to scale down your expectations for empathy in others. However, no one is a better judge of the amount of empathy you need than you.
Controlling Behavior
EliteSingles members tend to have a great deal of discipline and self-control. It’s how they’ve been able to achieve their goals. Consequently, they don’t care for controlling behavior in others. While many people believe that this is a strictly male trait, there are plenty of women who engage in controlling behavior. Here’s how to spot it in the beginning:
- They plan your dates down to the smallest details. When something doesn’t go according to plan, they become anxious or moody.
- They don’t allow you to participate in planning, or they shoot down your ideas without good reason.
- They become upset when you are even a few minutes late.
- They seem overly interested in what you’re doing with your time when they aren’t around.
- They check up on your whereabouts. This is a red flag of many things, but it also belongs here.
One way to counter controlling behavior is by establishing boundaries. For instance, if they aren’t allowing you to participate in plans, you can say, “I’m fine with you planning dates, but I want to have a say in them. Otherwise, we can just reschedule for a time when you feel like doing something we both want to do.”
Jealousy and Possessiveness
Most people in relationships experience jealousy at some point. For example, your significant other works with an ex, or they have a close friend who seems interested in more than just friendship. But jealousy and possessiveness can grow if they aren’t kept in check. Ultimately, you have to make a decision about what you consider to be a little normal jealousy and what crosses the line. In the meantime, here are a few signs that your new mate may be jealous and possessive.
- Pushing for a committed relationship after the first few dates.
- Asking you to verify your whereabouts.
- Not believing you when you tell them that you’ve always just been friends with someone.
- Obsessing over your ex-relationships.
- Snooping on your phone or around your home looking for signs of other people.
- Popping in unannounced — especially when you are spending time with another person.
You may be able to hold some of these behaviors in check by setting boundaries, but if the person is truly possessive, they may just ignore them or complain that the rules are too stringent.
Frequent Anger or Aggression
If you don’t get angry occasionally, you probably aren’t human, but no one should have to deal with frequent or sporadic fits of anger from their partner — even if it’s not necessarily focused on you. Spotting an angry person early on can help you avoid heartbreak or even potential violence. Here’s how to spot aggression in a new love interest:
- They have over-the-top reactions when something goes wrong. For example, shouting at other cars in traffic, snapping at servers when the food is taking too long, etc.
- They incite arguments by bringing up sensitive or volatile topics and becoming increasingly animated if you don’t agree with their points of view.
- They use strong, derogatory terms to describe people who they find annoying or unlikeable.
- They exhibit constant mood swings.
If you feel that the person you’re spending time with has an anger management issue, it may be a sign that you should end the relationship.
Emotional Manipulation
Some people are so adept at manipulating others that they can do it without even realizing it. Emotional manipulation is a behavior or series of behaviors meant to elicit a specific response from a partner. Manipulating behaviors can include tears, the silent treatment, withdrawal of sexual attention, and anger. A manipulator will often use these tactics when they know you’re displeased with them, or they believe you’re pulling away.
One common example of emotional manipulation is self-depreciation: “Of course, you’re mad at me. I mess everything up. Story of my life.” The objective here is to make you feel bad for them for doing something wrong. One of the best ways to identify emotional manipulation is by examining your feelings after unpleasant encounters with your partner. Is the way you’re feeling genuine, or was it engineered by your partner? If you feel manipulated several times, it’s a large red flag.
Isolation from Friends and Family
This is not only a major relationship red flag, but it’s one of the major signs of an abusive person. Most of us rely on our friends and families to support us when our relationships aren’t going well. During a tough breakup, we reach out to a support group to help us heal. One of the tactics that a person with an abusive personality will employ is to remove your support. To put it simply, it makes it more difficult to leave.
If someone is trying to keep you from seeing your friends and family, either by telling you to ignore them or by manipulating all of your time, it’s a significant red flag.
Gaslighting in a Relationship
The term “gaslight” comes from a 1944 classic noir thriller of the same name. It’s a form of manipulation where one partner denies an obvious truth to the other. When gaslighting victim questions the veracity of the information, the manipulator will call them “crazy” or just question obvious facts.
Gaslighting takes dishonesty to the next level. If you believe that you’re being gaslit, let your partner know that you are not going to accept their version of events and consider exiting the relationship.
The Most Popular Dating App for Professionals
If your partner is exhibiting red flags, it might be time for a change. EliteSingles is a popular dating site that matches well-educated professionals based on compatibility. Sign up for EliteSingles today!
About the author: The EliteSingles Press Team