EliteSingles is the premier dating site and app for singles who are professionals, high-earners, and/or well-educated. Our members have a lot to offer their prospective partners, but many of them have expressed the desire to be better at communicating in relationships. This is not to say that the majority of our members are poor communicators. Quite the opposite. Most of our members are in fields where communication is vital. However, when it comes to communicating in a long-term relationship, the desirable qualities are a little different.
The Role of Communication in Long-Term Relationships
It’s not an exaggeration to say that proper communication is essential to the health of a long-term relationship. If you aren’t able to communicate your desires and concerns, or you inadvertently shut yourself off from your partner’s messaging, it will inevitably lead to relationship issues. You may still love each other, and you may have a deep desire to make things work, but unless you learn to communicate, you will have arguments, misunderstandings, and, eventually, resentment.
Strategies to Improve Relationship Communication
These are some of the time-tested relationship strategies that our panel of dating experts and EliteSingles alumni who have found love recommend for all relationships. While you may have your own communication style and nuances, these are long-term relationship communication skills you should work to acquire.
Active Listening
If you’ve ever tried to review a complex concept with a room full of colleagues, you know what it’s like when a member of your audience zones out on you. It’s like that in a relationship, except it’s way harder to get lost in the masses. If you want your partner to listen to what you’re saying, it’s important that you can demonstrate that you’re hearing their message, too.
Active listening does not mean just nodding along and occasionally repeating a few words, although that can be part of it. It entails participating in the dialogue. This can be a little tricky for some of us. There is a fine line between tuning your partner out and trying to jump in to let them know you’re engaged. Here are a few active listening techniques:
- Hold eye contact so that they can see you’re paying attention.
- If you’re holding your phone in your hand, put it away so it does not look like you’re just waiting to check your social media or email.
- Use verbal and physical cues to acknowledge points that they’re making.
- Don’t interrupt, but when it’s your turn to talk, paraphrase what they just told you to demonstrate understanding.
- Ask questions if you don’t understand something.
- Do not pretend that you were listening if you weren’t. One way to save a little face is to say something like, “Hey, I was considering your last point about commitment, and I missed the next thing you said. Could you repeat that?”
When you’re training to actively listen, this can feel like a laundry list of to-dos, but after you practice at it a bit, it will happen naturally. If you don’t feel like your partner is actively listening, feel free to share some of these pointers with them.
Open and Honest Expression
This may seem like such a no-brainer, but it’s harder to put into practice than you think — particularly when you’re worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Consider this common scenario. Your partner prides himself on his ability to grill a steak. He even brags to your friends about the amazing ribeyes he grills.
After your fifth overcooked steak, you finally decide you have to say something to him. Now, an honest approach is bound to hurt his pride and may even lead to a fight, but the alternatives are equally unattractive: eating burnt steak or pretending to be a vegan. There are a lot of honest approaches to this dilemma, of course, so you need to choose the right one.
While the example we used here is fairly light-hearted, you may find yourself in this situation when it comes to finances, sex, commitment, the need for more space, and many other serious relationship issues. If you commit to honesty, it will weaken the temptation to lie or gloss over problems. Here is a three-step plan for approaching a problem with honesty:
- Acknowledge that there’s a problem.
- Anticipate your partner’s reaction.
- Choose the best approach toward an honest dialogue.
From the receiving end, it’s also important to foster an atmosphere where it’s fine to be honest. If you react with anger or emotion, it’s going to make it more difficult for your partner to be honest with you. It is, however, fine to tell them you don’t care for their approach. For example, “I get what you’re saying, but maybe you could be a little less blunt.”
Non-Verbal Communication in a Relationship
While we mentioned this vital skill in the section on active listening, non-verbal communication warrants its own discussion. When you’re talking to your partner, look for these signs of listening and ensure that your body language reflects attentiveness when your partner is speaking.
Facial Expressions
Your face should telegraph attentiveness. Make sure that your eyes are not only looking in the direction of your partner but are focused on their eyes and mouth. Not only will this little trick demonstrate that you’re listening, it will help you pay attention. Watch your nods and head shakes as well.
Hand Gestures
Your hands can tell your partner to continue, to pause, that you have a thought, or that you’re completely rejecting what they’re saying. Make sure that your hands match your intent and that you do not interrupt with hand gestures. For instance, holding your hands up with your palms out could signal defensiveness. A raised index finger could mean to pause so you can interject. Waving toward yourself in a “come on” motion could indicate that you wish them to continue.
Posture
Your posture should be upright and attentive but not aggressive. Lean in slowly to demonstrate that you’re listening but are not going on the counter-offensive. Avoid folding your arms, putting your hands in your pockets, or holding your knees. These are subliminal signals that you are closing yourself to the conversation.
Like other forms of communication, non-verbal communication can take practice. Incorporate it into your communication repertoire.
Maintaining Effective Communication
Like most aspects of a healthy relationship, communication requires attention and maintenance. While it’s important to develop a sound communication base, if you just wind it up and leave it alone, your discourse will run out of momentum.
Here are a few tools you can use to keep your communication effective:
- Have Regular Check-Ins – This doesn’t have to be awkward. Get in the habit of taking a walk or just grabbing coffee together once a week to talk about what’s going on in each other’s lives. Make some part of this discussion about your relationship.
- Foster an Open Environment – If you reassure your partner that they can come to you without adverse consequences, they’ll talk a lot more. You also have the right to expect this from your partner.
- Avoid Assumptions – You may think you know your partner well, but this can end up being a trap. If you do find yourself in a position where you need to make an assumption for your partner, ask them later, “Did I get it right?” This does two things: it opens the door for honest communication, and it gives you feedback that you can apply to future situations.
Conflict Resolution
How do you resolve an argument or dispute without losing your ability to communicate? To begin with, you have to start from a position of mutual respect. If you can’t show your partner respect during the worst moments, what you have is not genuine respect; it’s politeness. You should establish boundaries for when you argue. Here are some health boundaries for conflict resolution:
- No cursing or name-calling.
- Monitor your tone. Avoid sarcasm, condescension, and belittlement.
- Speak in a volume that would make it difficult for the person in the next room to hear.
- Absolutely no forced physical contact. Even a hug at the wrong moment can seem aggressive.
- Be honest about your feelings.
- Avoid ultimatums (unless your partner’s behavior is a genuine dealbreaker).
- Take a break when you’re not making progress. Little arguments can become big fights if both sides dig in around their positions.
- Take a minute to consider the other person’s viewpoint.
- Excuse yourself if you need to. Saying, “I’m sorry, but I just need a minute,” is reasonable and can help you reset your mind frame.
- Don’t leave the conversation open-ended. If you have more to discuss but can’t finish the conversation, ask your partner for a time to revisit it.
Our Dating Platform
EliteSingles is designed for the professional and well-educated who lead busy lives, and it is a way to find lasting love. We can provide connections and advice, but it’s encumbent on you to make your relationship work. Establishing sound communication skills is a cornerstone of any lasting love. If you are still searching for love, try EliteSingles today!
