EliteSingles is the premier dating site for successful, well-educated, and professional singles. Many career-driven and successful individuals don’t believe they have time for healthy relationships. That may be the case in some extreme circumstances, but what most people mean when they say that they’re too busy for love is that they don’t really know how to establish boundaries that will allow them to maintain balance in their lives.
Our dating experts and some of our members have established some battle-tested advice for setting boundaries in relationships. Before you trade romance for a career, you might want to consider their suggestions.
Introduction to Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for a comfortable, flourishing relationship. However, when you’re falling in love with someone, it might be tempting to move your boundaries in a direction that’s unsustainable for you.
For instance, if you set an initial boundary that you’re only available on the nights when you don’t have to work, it might be tempting to make an exception on a random Thursday. After a while, Thursday date night becomes a regular thing, and you have also made occasional exceptions on Sunday nights. The problem comes when your sleep, morning exercise routine, and work begin to suffer. No one is saying that there can’t be flexibility, but a boundary that’s constantly moving isn’t a boundary. It’s a suggestion.
Why Relationship Boundaries Are Essential
No one understands your life and your past experiences better than you — and that includes your dating partner. Some people require space for their children or their work. Others may just need to pace things slowly so they’re not frightened off. Even if you don’t realize you’re setting boundaries, you probably are. If you don’t, you might find yourself increasingly inconvenienced and less attracted to the other person.
Establishing Boundaries Respectfully
Whenever you enter a discussion with your dating partner about boundaries, it’s important to be respectful if you want them taken seriously. Saying something like, “Man, do you ever take a break?” is hurtful, and it may just come off as you being in a bad mood. Whenever you’re discussing boundaries, make it a two-way dialogue. Allow the other person to create boundaries of their own.
When It’s Time to Compromise
It is possible to set such rigid boundaries that you’ve basically taken all of what’s fun out of your relationship. If you truly care about the other person and your boundary is causing them anxiety, you should see if you can find a source of compromise. For instance, if you’re insisting on two date nights per week, but your partner is having a difficult time scheduling them, you could consider changing it to six dates a month. Or maybe tell them the dates don’t always have to occur at night.
5 Effective Ways to Set Boundaries
These five tips will help you get your point across diplomatically in a way that your boundaries will be respected so your relationship is manageable and fulfilling.
1. Communicate Clearly
It may sound like a cliche that communication is the key to a successful relationship, but nowhere is this more true than when discussing boundaries. Hinting that you want more space is not an effective way to communicate your need for personal time.
In many cases, establishing boundaries has more to do with the way that the relationship has evolved than with your partner. It might be a good idea to mention this. This will cushion any hurt feelings about imposing a boundary.
2. Be Consistent
Consistency is important when it comes to boundaries. Otherwise, you may send very confusing signals. For instance, if you decide to set a boundary for your partner not to text or call after 10:30 p.m. on work nights, but you frequently initiate contact after that time, you can’t very well be upset if they occasionally break the rule, can you?
Consistency solidifies the boundaries and helps you avoid having to rehash the topic every few days. Just remember, if a boundary is not working for you, you can always have a discussion about modifying it or getting rid of it altogether.
3. Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries
If you want your partner to respect your boundaries, you have to respect theirs. That does not mean that you have to accept whatever they throw your way. Your partner may try to set a boundary that makes the relationship less meaningful for you. For example, you may only be available on weekends, but they want weekends to be off-limits because they spend that time with their children. Clearly, these boundaries are mutually exclusive. Either one or both parties have to give ground, or the relationship will be pretty fruitless.
4. Establish Consequences
Most healthy relationships don’t require consequences for someone violating the boundaries. Both parties respect one another’s boundaries, and they adjust them as necessary. But what happens when someone violates a boundary? You should have something in mind. Here are some steps you may take for a boundary violation:
- Revisit the boundaries discussion. “We had talked about not dropping by unannounced. The reason I set that boundary is . . . ”
- Reinforce the need for the boundary. “I know we haven’t talked about this recently, but for this to work, I need you to only call during work hours if it’s an emergency.”
- Ask why the boundary was breached. “Hey, I’m a little concerned about why you decided to call so late. Is something going on with you or us?”
- Let them know what you plan on doing if they continue to violate the boundaries. “I have to feel my boundaries are respected. If you can’t do that, we may need to take a break for a bit.”
Consequences are tricky because they can often become ultimatums. If you don’t want a discussion about consequences to sound like a final edict, you can start with an opener like, “Before we start this, I just want you to know that I care about this relationship, and I’m sure we can figure something out that works for both of us.”
5. Self Reflection
It’s essential to reflect on your thoughts, words, and actions throughout the relationship. When it comes to boundaries, ask yourself the following questions:
- Are my boundaries necessary? If they aren’t, modify them.
- Are the boundaries I set fair to my partner?
- Are my boundaries impeding the chances of the relationship’s success?
- How flexible are my boundaries?
- Am I respecting my partner’s boundaries?
- Does this boundary still make sense? Relationships change, and your boundaries may no longer be necessary.
Maintaining Boundaries Over Time
As time elapses, boundaries become habits. This can be good for the relationship because it means that both partners are respecting the boundaries and they’ve now become habits. On the other hand, boundaries should evolve with relationships. Here are some things to keep in mind with regard to your relationship boundaries.
Boundaries in a Relationship Get Easier
There are few relationship moments that are quite as cringy as the point where you’re establishing boundaries. It’s not romantic. It’s not fun. It’s necessary. However, if both parties respect boundaries, they do become easier over time. Consider a situation where a single mother feels that it’s inappropriate for her boyfriend to spend the night when the kids are home. After a while, he already knows that if the kids are home, he has to drive home at the end of the date. The boundary has solidified and doesn’t warrant continued discussion.
When It’s Time to Move the Line
If both people want to, they can change the boundaries. Look for these signs that your boundary needs to change:
- Circumstances have made it unnecessary. Your job has changed; your divorce has finalized; your partner has earned your trust; etc. For whatever reason, you no longer need the boundary.
- Your partner asks you to change the boundary. You have to consider the feelings of your partner. If their request is reasonable and you feel that you can compromise, discuss removing the boundary.
- The boundary is counterproductive. Don’t keep a boundary for the sake of having a boundary. If it’s hurting the relationship, look for other solutions.
Seeking Support From Friends
Some friends give great advice. You know the people in your life who carefully consider their words and opinions. Ask your friends if your boundaries are valid. Or, if you feel like something isn’t working, ask them if they have any ideas for boundaries that could help your relationship.
Common Early Relationship Boundaries
These are some of the boundaries many people in the beginning stages of a relationship may employ:
- Sexual Monogamy (even if the people involved are still dating)
- Limiting the number of dates per week
- Not allowing the partner to meet friends, family, or children too early
- No spending the night
- Not dropping by their home or business
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